to leave or to stay

bertahan dan tinggal vs meninggalkan.

apa yang dibilang oleh teman saya bahwa saya bodoh.

buat kamu, apa yang tidak mungkin saya lakukan.

bahwa hanya ada 1 wanita yang bisa buat saya bilang saya sayang kamu.

dan memang begitu seharusnya kata otak saya.

kamu ibarat tembok yang kuat, teguh dan tidak dapat ditembus.

dan saya hanya orang yang melempari tembok itu dengan lumpur.

apakah tembok itu akan runtuh?

tidak, saya hanya buat bekas di tembok itu dengan nama saya.

asalkan saya tidak terlupa. itu saja.

apa lagi yang bisa saya bilang.

saya sayang kamu, apa kamu percaya?

saya rindu kamu setengah mati, apa kamu perhatikan?

lepas dari kenyataan itu, saya memberi hati saya keleluasaan

keleluasaan untuk sebentar lepas dari bayang kamu.

kemana saja asalkan tidak ada kamu.

The End

It weeps for me late at night, when sleep does not come easily.

simple things, I miss oyu.

yeah you read wrong it.

like so, sometimes words come complicated for me.

seems like there is a sin in every words spoken out from my tongue to you.

sometimes it is true that i shouldn't be honest to say every words on my mind.

i miss every tuesday i had.

i miss how i saw you smile.

i miss every little bit moment like a child miss her chocolate.

and the worse things is that you might not want to hear this anymore.

God have given so many morning to spent without and within you.

i'm still alive at the end.

after all the sufferings and sorrows,

you ruin my life.

and i hate you. much than ever. to make me can't forget you.

done. i'm sick of it.

Fake

true love isn't found..
it's built.
but i did slowly fade
it's gone and slowly someone will take my place.

but please.
we'll have to prove them wrong..

week 35

Life is a battlefield and we are all a soldier
and you know what made a good soldier?
It's not bitterness, rageand thirst for vengeance
but the ability to stay calmin every circumstances
and the strong will to survive...

Some of us, I believe,
might have gone thru that before,
maybe around their age, or older, maybe younger...

depend on that i'm survive,
going and bounce from one week to another.
and i'm grateful for that.

All I want you to know is,
that I know that "I" am not alone,
that life can be rough and constant taunt can be tough
but I got to hold on for you.
cos I believe the good things are yet to happen.
if it will be come true or not,
it doesn't really matter again.

Changing Your Heart

Mrk.7:1-8

you live your live by changing your heart to the better place.
the place that's hasn't deceive or loss.

just listen to your heart.
listen to the person who loves you, gonna make a space for you to breath.

even if you don't love her too.

new page

i once was being lost in love.i was being hurt all the time.

I am excited to find and/or be reunited with the special someone whom God has given that power... 

for that, i found you, Natalia,

i am attracted to your smile,

to your kindness.

you your eyes.

and i always love your smile.

the fact that i can remember all the time and i enjoy them most.

and when you settle around me, when no one would do.

for a "memories of silence" on phonecall

for the details you write to me. to make me stronger that i am used to be.

I am a lover not a fighter.

but i'd try once again for you,

i make a new page for you

natalia nugroho.

in here.

The Myth of Physche

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess, admired by everyone, but whom no one dared to propose to.

Desperate, the king consulted the god Apollo, who said that Psyche should be left alone, in a mourning dress, at the top of a mountain. Before daybreak, a serpent would come to her and marry her.

The king obeyed, and throughout the night the princess waited, terrified and freezing, for the arrival of her husband. She ended up falling asleep.

As she awoke, she was in a beautiful palace, transformed into a queen.

Every night her husband would come to her, they made love, and he had just one condition: Psyche could have anything she desired, but she should trust him completely and never see his face.

The young woman lived happily for a very long time; she had comfort, affection, joy, she was in love with the man who came to her every night.

Once in a while, however, she was afraid of being married to a horrible serpent. One night, while her husband slept, she illuminated their bed with a lantern and found Eros (or Cupid), a man of incredible beauty, beside her.

The light woke him up and he found out that the woman he loved wasn’t able to fulfil his only desire, and disappeared.

Concluding the Greek myth: Desperate to have her love back, Psyche submits herself to a series of tasks imposed by Aphrodite (or Venus), Cupid’s (or Eros’s) mother, who was envious of her beauty.

One of these tasks was to give Aphrodite some of her beauty. Psyche becomes curious about the box that should contain the beauty of the goddess, and again, she isn’t able to deal with Mystery and decides to open it.

She didn’t find anything of beauty in the box, but an infernal sleepiness that left her inert, and without movement.

Eros/Cupid is in love as well, regretting not having been more tolerant toward his wife. He is able to enter the castle and wake her up from this profound sleep with the tip of his arrow and tells her once again: ‘You almost died due to your curiosity.’

This is the great contradiction: Psyche who sought to find safety in knowledge, found insecurity. Both of them went to Jupiter, the supreme God, to implore for this union never to be undone. Jupiter strongly advocated for the cause of the lovers and got Venus to agree. From that day on, Psyche (the essence of the human being) and Eros (love) are forever united.

Those who don’t accept it and always seek an explanation for the magic and mysterious, human relations will lose the best of what life has to offer.

taken from :http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cupid_and_Psyche

LIe? (Lie?)

and so i think of you everyday

when i was watching cloud,
and the river at the back of my house.
i remember what ever you'd said to me..

and so i knew that all you've ever said to me was a lie.
and it hurts.

i can try more

and then i realize that in so many times,
that when i don't think about you,
you came.

everything carries me to you, air, butterflies, wind, aromas,
were little boats that sail towards those isle of yours that never wait for me.

so i guess we are for who we are for a lot of reason.
maybe we can't know about them.
but you see it for me.
my lack, my weakness. and sometimes my overage.

i don't have the power to change it for you. to make you love me like i do
but i can choose where i go from here.
we can choose where we step out from here.
and i can try to feel okay about them.
and i can make an impossible things for you.
happen.

string from words

i collect your words you say to me,
and wear them on the string around my neck,
close to the pulse in the throat,
the thump of my heart

more than i'll ever to articulate: good bye

and i promise

from the days forward i will not bother you again.

In return i just ask one thing of you, stop pretending to care about me.

because though this is just a game to you,

i actually care..

 travel on baby.. good bye.

are you living your dream

are you living your dram girl?
being with the one you loved, and loved you i thought so.

i hope you do happy girl,
you were born just because you will be really mean to someone.

and that's not me.

now, are you living your dream girl?

Love Conquers

although we are not together right now, 

it doesn't even meant a thing.

don't give up,

i love you has a true meaning, and holds all my feeling, just hope and hold on.

for love conquers all things

l'amour vrai

one day there are one man who were crashed by someone's car.

in another day, he is waking up and he's losing his legs.

someone in the hospital are wondering why this young boy are keep smiling whilst he had lost his legs

and he asked the boy.

the boy answered, " i was hit by a car when i'm trying to save someone?"

"Why? you could be dead by now"

"because i don't want to get hurt" said the boy

"you know i think you are really love her a lot because you've sacrified your own life just for her.... maybe she's sad by now because of this condition"

"no, she is be very happy because i saved the man whom she loved"

all the things i've been dying to hear

i always remember when you whisper in my ear and speak softly,
i love your chuckles, your laugh..
and it's all the things i've been dying to hear...

One Thing You Shud Remember

One thing that u shud remember..

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it such a great story..

it's a great story.

at 6, we were the two new kids. we bonded over the people we didn't know and the friends we didn't have in common.

at 9, girls were stupid and so were boys. so when the double digits came and we went our separate ways, it wasn't really a big deal that we had never held hands or shared a somewhat innocent kiss.

at 11 and 12 and all through the teens i heard from you every other year. we never wrote, nor spoke, nor talked to each other. what i knew came from the unexpected encounters of our parents.

except… at 14 i saw you. and you were my first kiss. well, the first one that swept me off my feet. that first uninnocent kiss. i woke up with my head still swirling, still feeling your lips on mine, your arms wrapped around me, though i knew i had never truly felt them. it still is, to this day, one of the most vivid dreams i've ever had.

at 17, the first reunion. you saw me, i don't remember you. details of that dinner are oddly clear in my memory. yet you were invisible to me, not a trace of you that night on my brain.

at 22, a party at the old school. i see no one. maybe i didn't recognize them. then, a familiar face in the crowd - your brother. later, a hand on my shoulder follows the exclamation of my name - your mother, and your father right behind. but you're already gone.

at 23, the wonders of technology. and we meet again, so many years later, with the full moon shinning on a warm late spring night. hours talking, singing to the music or lack thereof, a lifetime of promises in a kiss (or a thousand kisses) between whispers of "where have you been?".
as we found ourselves in each other's arms in the many nights we shared, we learned to trust one another. through summer, fall and secrets never before told we became best friends. by the time there were no more leaves on the branches we had acknowledged that, at this point in time, we were not able to give each other all we deserved.

at 24, it's a great story. it still really is. that first night still "is the stuff movies are made of". the kiss you insisted on planting on my cheek, the trip we planned but never took, the fact that you made a point of me knowing your friends, that night i held your hand while you fought back the tears, all those times you wished i had been your first love, it all just makes letting go of the fairy tale ending to this story all the more difficult.
so maybe the timing will never be right for us and your kids won't be my kids. maybe we won't fall in love or live in a foreign city together. but i'll have you know this: i love you unconditionally, like only a friend can, and i'm here for the long haul.

at 25 or 85, hopefully, you will still be my best friend.

Dukung Aksi Rp.10000

http://www.ykaki.org/id/donation/page/aksi-rp-10000

Fakta

• 160.000 anak didunia didiagnosis menderita kanker setiap tahunnya.*
• 80% anak-anak yang didagnosis kanker tersebut berada di negara-negara dengan sumber daya terbatas, dimana akses terhadap informasi, kemungkinan deteksi dini serta pengobatan dan perawatan yang efektif tidak memungkinkan.*
• Kanker tidak menular. Kesembuhan atau remisi jangka panjang dapat tercapai bila dilakukan perawatan dan pengobatan yang memadai.
• Terjadi peningkatan jumlah anak-anak penderita kanker yang dirawat di rumah sakit-rumah sakit besar di Jakarta.
• Saat ini hanya 5 rumah sakit besar (RSCM, RS Fatmawati, RSAB Harapan Kita, RS Kanker Dharmais, RSPAD Gatot Soebroto) yang memiliki fasilitas perawatan bagi anak-anak penderita kanker.
• Lama perawatan bervariasi dari 5 bulan sampai 2 tahun.
• Biaya yang signifikan dikeluarkan untuk akomodasi, transportasi dan biaya hidup selama masa pengobatan anak-anak tersebut.

* International Union Against Cancer 

Bagaimana Anda Dapat Membantu?

• PERORANGAN
  Dengan membeli kupon donasi @ Rp 10.000 dari YKAKI atau mengirimkan bantuan Anda lansung melalui rekening bank YKAKI. Mohon menuliskan "Aksi Rp 10.000" pada bagian keterangan.
   
• PERUSAHAAN/INSTITUSI
  Cash Donation. Kami menerima donasi tunai dari perusahaan/institusi. Donasi dapat dikirimkan melalui rekening bank YKAKI, dan setelah pengiriman diharapkan menginformasikannya kepada bendahara YKAKI.
  
  Employee Voluntary Program (EVP). Anda dapat melibatkan seluruh anggota organisasi Anda untuk membantu kami. Cara ini tentu akan memperkuat ikatan antara karyawan dengan perusahaan. EVP dapat berupa donasi langsung karyawan atau karyawan dapat mengembangkan kreativitasnya untuk menciptakan aksi pengumpulan dana di lingkungan mereka masing-masing.
  
  Invite Your Customer. Jika perusahaan Anda memiliki toko/outlet, pilihan lainnya adalah dengan mengajak pelanggan Anda untuk memberikan donasi mereka dengan berbagai macam cara - menjual kupon, menambahkan donasi pada tagihan, menempatkan kotak donasi di dekat kasir, dll. -. Perusahaan Anda juga dapat menciptakan cara lain untuk melibatkan pelanggan Anda untuk memberikan donasi (mohon diskusikan dengan YKAKI mengenai cara yang akan Anda gunakan, sebelum diterapkan).

Hubungi Kami

Untuk mendukung program AKSI Rp. 10.000,- silakan hubungi:
Yayasan Kasih Anak Kanker Indonesia (YKAKI) - Indonesian Care for Cancer Kids Foundation
Jl. Percetakan Negara IX No.10A
el. Rawasari, Jakarta Pusat 10570
Telp. 62 21 4287 2554,  62 21 4287 2556Fax.  62 21 421 6089

Move on

Everybody's telling me to just move on and forget about you. That's like a stab in the flesh, through and through. They don't understand how hard it is for me. That moving on are not just words but actions needing a lot of energy to expend on.

There's one thing I know for sure though. I'm still finding that one person who wouldn't leave my life just when I need her the most.

You Will Never be Alone

You will never be alone, okay?
there are will be
someone.. somewhere cares about you.
and wants you to be alright.

even it is not your mom, dad, sister, girlfriend, boyfriend and else.


remember that you are loved
even if it's only the random person you met on the internet.


you are loved...
Don't forget that.

Keep Struggle

I promises you as long as you say,
"I'm trying"
and i will put that things on to were we belong. 
and before you say that, i should hold my head up and say,
"Goodbye"

There Will Come a Time..

I guess the only thing I can do now is to think that perhaps, in a future, in a couple of years, if we were really meant for each other, somehow life will drive us together again.

But now, what do I do now?

I Will Regret

Despite the cheating, lies and the way things didn't work out, I still love you for who you are, and whether you willingly admit it, I know there is a place in your heart for me.
You lock it away and sometimes disregard it, its not enough to reject other by, but it's enough to remember me by. Even though I'm not always there, and the intricate hardships that complicate my life, are not your burden to carry. I feel like you see my pain, and have a subtle yet distinct way of loving me, which brightens my day when I'm feeling low.

You warm my heart when you tell me I am good enough, and although it's not openly said, their is a kind of love that ties us together, but equally drags us apart. It's a safe kind of love, one that can be intercepted or temporarily forgotten. But that can always be redeemed and replenished. You are a beautiful mistake to me, and I know you think I don't see it. Your beauty and kind soul, but I see it more than anyone. And feel like you have the right to know. I never am open about my thoughts and the things that I keep locked away, are often for good reasons. But you are that beautiful someone, who to me, despite relationships, distractions or consequence, have a place in my heart, and I love you for the person that you are. I won't ever ask for your forever, or even a functional relationship. You and I work differently to that, and at the moment, at this stage in life, where we both are, it somehow works. Amongst the mess of uncomplicating everything that is thrown at us, we are eternally together. And if for some reason, if one day you do meet that someone who fulfills you, and I am replaced, At least I told you what was real for me and all your worth. I will regret missing you.

You never came back

I completely understand these parts: Until we had that stupid fight, and you didn’t call me back. For a day, and then a week. Two month passed. I chose to cry instead of loosing my pride, so I didn’t call you once. Maybe I never had you. I’ve been trying to forget you, but I still remember you every day, every sad song, every romantic movie- you never came back for me, you never gave me a last kiss. You never fought for me.

And it hurts. But I'll be fine. I read a post today on 9gag.com and in the end it said: "why should I be sad? I lost one who never loved me, she loved someone who really loved her."
And it's so true. And beautiful.
However, I can't say she never loved me but I can't get the way he acted out of my head. I mean; that must say something right? Yes I made some stupid mistakes, but I fought for her.

don't say a such thing

You can say sorry a million times,
say i love you as much as you want..
say whenever you want.


but if you're not going to prove the things you say are true, then don't say anything at all.

because if you can't show it..


your words don't mean a thing...

I like you more than pizza

Pictures and Letter

Pictures and Letters

broken heart and an empty bed.

memories remain

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Wherever You Go, I Go...

Lovesick

we are the lovesick. the fearless ones. the never giving up.
the hearts undone. sick with the desire to love. to live so far
beyond the boundaries given to us. we are the fence-hopping
fools who never stopped to read the signs. the ones that left
the world behind. like dreams we've drawn in neon light. just
moments in the sea of time. we are the lost ones wandering.
the soon to be smoldering. last to be found. the first to fall and
fail to fly then shatter on the ground. we are the rebels running
wild through a darkness that can swallow us. but we've set fire
to our souls. burning brilliant blinding gold. the flames that illuminate
our lonely road. our futures holding fates untold. we are the
ever-refusing to fold. to fade away or worse to lose. the few that
bend and break apart the cages of our rules. born desperate for the
promise of the mystery unknown. we are the lovesick. and just like
the sun we will always rise. hope still shining in our eyes.. - Jason Reeves.

I have the courage to love.. And I will love you forever.

Before I Die

Before i die. 
i wish that i can donate some part of my blood. 
so at least my blood could enter your heart. 
stay there. 


where i couldn't. 

Thank you God. for remind me of her. 
every seconds of my life.

I Like That Shit

Thank You Lord

I will let my worries go.
I will trust God completely.
I am unconditionally loved.
I will let God control and let my way.
I am refused to let anxiety rule me.
I will ask God to put my broken piece together,

Thank you LORD. That I can still see the one I love,and the one who love me, be with them,

even it hurts. even there's no one stay.

You are there. You are with me.

Amen.

Where God Lives

"Sebab itu janganlah kamu kuatir akan hari besok, karena hari besok mempunyai kesusahannya sendiri. Kesusahan sehari cukuplah untuk sehari."

(Matius 6:34)

Saya mengerti sekarang. atas semua apa yang saya keluhkan.

tentang kehidupan saya yang "seakan" saya buat amburadul

Saya kadang bertanya kepada Dia, kenapa saya.

Saya mengkritisi Dia.

dan seolah saya menang

Dia tidak menjawab saya.

dalam satu dan lain hal saya menginginkan Tuhan.

Saya sungguh ingin Dia ada, menjawab semua doa saya.

Menghapus semua air mata dengan tangannya.

lalu datang ayat itu.

di halaman kecil alkitab lusuh yang saya baca lamat-lamat di kereta.

sekarang saya tahu bahwa Engkau benar-benar ada.

dan Engkau menjawab semuanya.

................................................................................................................................................

Tuhan, terima kasih atas kehidupan yang masih engkau beri.

atas hal-hal baru dalam kehidupan saya.

atas semua kasih sayang dalam Natal ini.

atas semua dekapan keluarga yang masih bisa saya rasakan.

atas dia yang telah (pernah) Engkau hadirkan dalam hidup saya.

Terima Kasih Tuhan.